Antique vampire hunters cross nine inches by 4 1/2 inches
heavy and an antique......made of iron- which vampires hate and can be stabbed into a vampires whatever to stop them from ripping your neck out with their teeth.....
does not smell like garlic it smells like iron, old iron,
Caitlin's Handy Steps for killing a vampire
1 First, Find a vampire. Look for a hole in a graveyard or somewhere spooky late at night.... sometimes holes are above a grave. But then again sometimes vampires have to dig a hole to take a nap in. Do not get confused by mole hills or badger holes, they look like a vampires hole, but they are not.
2 TRACKING Traditionally people have used salt, but I think it is better to scatter flour or pop rocks on the floor in a POTENTIAL vampire's latest victim's room. Helps in tracking the vampire, who lead you right to his or her tomb and this also helps IDENTIFY the right vampire, as his/her toes will smell like pop rocks.
*****so if you think you may be a potential victim of a vampire cover your floors with plenty of pop rocks so that your friends and family can avenge your death by tracking the vampire to his/her lair......
3 Use garlic, hawthorn branches, iron cross or jello to trap your vampire in a corner.
4 PROTECTION Protect yourself from revenge by making a cross of holy water or an ANTIQUE IRON NINE INCH NAIL CROSS stuck on with bubblegum on your front door.
5 TIMING Dig the vampire up on a Friday. According to the early Greeks, that's when a vampire is weakest. Take advantage of the day/night when vampires usually DONT come out and par-tay.
5 TOOLS Pound nine inch nail iron stakes through his coffin and straight into the ground if you catch him at rest. but they do sleep with their eyes open so ya gotta be quick....
6 DISPOSAL Bury his body under running water - vampires can't stand it, or in a vat of jello, they REALLY don't like that.
7 JUST BECAUSE Fire a silver bullet blessed by a priest or the pope into the air.
8 GOAL Drive a ANTIQUE NINE INCH NAIL IRON STAKE stake through his heart with a single blow if you want to make a lasting impression.
9 SECURING THE BODY Pour boiling water, boiling oil or holy water into his grave. Or just pee into the grave, throw in a few packets of jello and presto and instant vat of jello, which as you know, vampires hate, cause jello is kind of scary, especially when you float carrots in it......
10 CLOSURE Cremate the body, use lots of illegal fireworks, construction explosives and vodka to do this........
OTHER NOTES>>>>>>
Remember that a vampire in a coffin always appears to be dead already. Examine the body closely and you'll see that the vampire is only breathing slightly, or perhaps not breathing at all.. just assume he/she is alive, because many aspiring vampire hunters have gotten into trouble BY poking a vampire to see if they are alive..... which really just wakes them up and piss*s them off..... I hate it when people poke me to see if I am dead, and so this is something we have in common with vampires.....
Emotionally prepare yourself plenty of loud screaming and wailing, especially if there is jello and an antique NINE INCH NAIL CROSS. Wear old clothes or a raincoat(but not a creepy I'm a flasher raincoat, that's just bad taste), because there's usually lots of spewing spurting blood.
Vampires sleep with their eyes open, so you'd better be quick. Keep your hands and feet away from the vampire's mouth.
VERY IMPORTIANT.....MAKES SURE WHAT YOU ARE HUNTING IS A VAMPIRE NOT JUST THE LOCAL NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH GUY
Vampires kind don't cast shadows, nor do they have reflections. Plus, they can sometimes change into bats or foggy mist instantaneously. And will scream like a little girl when around jello. You may notice a physical change in yourself. all your hair on the back of your neck, your arms and two weeks overdue unshaven LEG HAIRS will stand up on-end when a true vampire is near....
please note that aversion and screaming when confronted with jello is not THE ONLY sign of a vampire, plenty of regular people scream at the sight of jello.........
please REMEMBER these are just handy dandy tips and please use discretion while hunting vampires.
smooches .... caitie the cowgirl & sassy vampire hunter know-it-all........
